straight pimperish

so much has changed...

2005-07-23T02:21:00.000-04:00

no not really. ssdd. why havent i updated this thing in forever? because no one reads it. or if someone does, they already know whats goin on bc i prolly just talked to them. friday night, 2am, and where am i? sitting at home typing a blog no one's gonna read. yep, that's a pretty good picture of my life. so there ya go. blog updated. i could prolly copy this and just paste it in once a month for the next 5 yrs and it would still be right on target. soooo pimperish...

:-\

2005-01-06T19:32:00.000-05:00

sometimes, i'll here a song and it'll make me feel good for a minute, until i realize it's not about me. does that make me conceited? self centered? i think it does... but no matter. life is funny like that. you can be fully aware of something and not be able to do a damn thing about it. *shrugs* so i have these good things going on, and then some bad things that make me mad because i cant fully enjoy the good things. i may or may not have an awesome new job, but i dont know yet. but im pretty sure i got it. and ive had some fun times with my friends lately. which is cool. the relationship thing, not os good. i feel like i was losing too much of myself, so im trying to get back to me. but i dont know if the relationship is gonna make it through that, because a lot of it was based on things that im now changing. like me being ok with certain things that im really not. but we'll see. i dont think anyone reads this anymore. but im gonna write anywyas cuz it makes me feel better.

last in line...

2004-12-14T02:11:00.000-05:00

i have officially lost all Christmas spirit. the holidays suck, work sucks, people suck, and i just want to go to sleep til 2005. as of 12:00am january 1st, 2005, i am done doing stuff for any reason other than it's what i want. BAH HUMBUG.

Merry freakin Christmas...

2004-12-13T02:58:00.000-05:00

so it's been a long time. what's new? still trying to get a new job. wondering when i can start school again. i just found out i'm still being lied to about stupid stuff that shouldn't matter, but i'm bothered that it's still going on. it's a principle thing... it's another late night, and i'm trying to avoid thinking about going to work today. it's not that bad really, the holiday craziness. i'm just so fed up with bein the last to get what i want. at some point even i get tired of being the scapegoat for all the problems with our store. but it's whatever. makin that money (however little it is). i'm gonna miss Christmas with my gamily again this year because we're sooo short staffed, but i'm still trying to figure out how that's my fault. all i have to look forward to right now is new year's and the hope that i'll have a good time. at this point i almost don't care where i am, just as long as it's not sitting in my house watching tv. i'm on my diet again. i'm trying to be as hardcore about it as i was this summer but it's hard with all this stress because food is my cocaine. so we'll see how it goes... anyways, i think that's it for now. i don't have the energy for anythign too in depth. if anyone still reads this thing, take care :-)

so what's up...

2004-10-26T02:42:00.000-04:00

ok so it's been a month. what's new you ask? aaaaaabsolutely nothing. i still work retail (and lemme tell ya, it still sucks). holiday season is coming up, and if it weren't for all the pretty things we're getting in i'd be downright homicidal by now. i still hate people, but i've discovered if you imagine them standing in front of a brick wall with a raging bull headed towards them, it's kinda funny. anyways, i'm tryin to get all my Christmas shopping done so i don't have to shop with all the crazy people. i also want something to do for halloween, but that's in a week so i don't think it's gonna happen. i'm looking for new year's plans, too. who knows? maybe i'll party like it's 1999 :-) ummmm... losing some weight but not enough. still short. still cranky. still don't feel like doin' shit. and my finger hurts. so that's all for now. luv yuz...

would ya kill me if i said please?

2004-09-24T20:33:00.000-04:00

i'm so so tired. and i'm also incredibly stupid, because i agreed to go in yesterday without realizing that was my day off this week. so i work 10 straight days now. what the hell was i thinking? i guess i assumed they wouldn't ask me if they knew i had to work so much, but then again i should know better by now. no one looks out for me. stupid me... anyways, i think i need to request off a couple days. i haven't had a single day to myself in months. everyday it's work, or cleaning, or "zac time", or "whoever else" time. no "me time" anywhere in there... and the holidays aren't but so far away, and i know between work and "people" i'll have zero time for anything i'd like to get done. which i'm used to, but i still don't like it. i dunno... it's whatever. aight i'm gonna stop bitchin. gotta go have more "zac time" cuz i fell asleep early last night. lata.

i think i'll go and eat worms...

2004-09-14T01:56:00.000-04:00

i know you all remember the classic camp song... anyways, i'm tired. long day at work, and my lack of self respect has allowed me to continue doing things that hurt me. i got pretty wasted friday night, only because everyone kept telling me i should drink more. i mean, wtf is that?? that's so not me. but sadly it was me sick as a dog the next morning (though i'm sure that had more to do with the taco bell afterwards). and what's scary is that i know i can't count on anybody to have my best interest in mind, so i really need to not do that again. and to dig a little deeper, i'm still friends with people who ignore me and make me feel like crap. and i hate that i can't just tell them to fuck off, because that's what they deserve. even at work, it's getting easier and easier to put on the smile and bullshit my way through the day. i don't want to be like that. it used to be so easy to just say, "that's not me". now it's, "that's not me, but i can pretend". who wants to be what they hate? i need some time off. oh wait, i'm a work whore, so nevermind. whoever said, "ignorance is bliss" was truly a genius. realizing you're losing your soul certainly feels like shit. "so put on a happy face..."

writ of summons

2004-09-08T19:23:00.000-04:00

ahhh life... i'd kill myself but that takes a little chutzpa. i'm being sued. by the woman who hit me and totalled my car last summer. i mean really, why get up in the morning? i don't have anything else to say about that. it's too ridiculous. i work the next 7 days, so i figured today i would just chill out, relax, do some cleaning and such. i should have known that i can't have a day to myself without having to deal with everyone and their issues. is it asking so much to have one day where i can do the things i need to do? i mean just one. every other day i have to make sure i don't ignore this person or that person, take care of everyone else's problems (cuz heaven forbid they take care of themselves). and why i bother trying to explain this to people i don't know. i should just save my breath and bang my head off a wall or table, whatever's around. just as productive, but with the upside of possibly knocking myself unconcious. i'll have to look into that... in the mean time, i'd really like to stab something.

yeah i know, it's been a while...

2004-09-04T01:54:00.000-04:00

not much is going on... i guess i should warn you now this post will be mostly "filler" material. let's see... i worked all week, tomorrow being day 6. i'm really tired and pms-ing and everybody is picking this week to be stupid. i just cleaned my room and it's horrible again and i just want to burn everything and start over. which could be fun, but i think it might be illegal somehow... i'm still itching and i could've gone to the doctor today but i had to work... ummmmm i'm still poor and still hate people. i wouldn't say all, but most people can blow me... oh i had a shot at jillian's wednesday night with chris called 3 wise men... it was spicy but overall i was disappointed :-\ as usual... so yeah that's it thanx for reading :-)

And now, a very special blog...

2004-08-21T05:34:00.000-04:00

ok i was gonna do this whole eulogy thing about two people that i'm not friends with anymore, but i'm too tired and i don't think they're worth the effort. basically i "can't trust nobody"... but it's whatever - another lesson learned, right? so that's it i'm exhausted and i'm going to bed.

American Idol can blow me....

2004-08-21T05:25:00.000-04:00

hee hee j/k yeah so i had the BEST time at the auditions!!! i mean i got cut, like first round but i met some of THE coolest people. i met these 2 guys in this band called new life crisis. they were amazing! and the singer from their band got cut first round too, so i don't feel bad for me, but i feel very bad for them lol go to their website and check them out, and tell your friends! cuz they rock the party that rocks the party :-) its www.newlifecrisis.com they're based out of long island, NY and the lead singer looks like bono from U2 ;-) anyways, i made lots of friends (cuz you know i can't shut up) and i also talked to like a billion reeeeally talented singers and too many of them got cut. so maybe i wasn't entirely kidding when i said A.I. can blow me, cuz they really dropped the ball, but i guess they know what they're doing... but i got to sing on 99.1 HFS for a whole 7 seconds! lol it was super duper cool... i'm still tired though... seems like i'll never get any sleep but i had an awesome birthday and an awesome time at the auditions... thanx for all the awesome presents guys!!! ;-)

2 days and counting...

2004-08-15T21:41:00.000-04:00

so i'm still trying to figure out the logistics of these auditions. how to get there, how to get back, what to bring, what to wear.... so much to consider! and then there's trying to find the time to make everyone happy. that's no small task let me tell you. everyone wants their piece of me and i think i'm running out of pieces... and for some reason everyone thinks they should get their piece first. makes you ponder the importance of mathematics doesn't it? i mean, there are 24 hours in a day; i work 5, sleep 6, meander about 7. that leaves 6 hours for movies and clubbing and "hangin' out". now of course i could cut into my "meander about" time, but it's all i have left that keeps me sane, and believe me i need all the help i can get. ok so that 6 hours has to go to my boyfriend, my mom, and the various and sundry "friends" that pop up every now and again. now 6 hours may seem like a long time, but believe me it isn't when you take into consideration travel time, plan making, bitching and moaning time... eats up 6 hours pretty quickly. i wonder if i'm on anyone else's list of people to make happy. hmmm, something to ponder.... (p.s. stay tuned, there will be a special blog coming sometime over the next week or so that is sure to get everyone's knickers in a bunch) ;-)

blah...

2004-08-13T23:26:00.000-04:00

i'm really tryin' to be excited about my birthday, but so far i haven't succeeded. as far as i know the auditions are still on, but it'll either be really humid or raining the whole time we're outside. so that's no fun. and i work thursday and friday so i can't really do anything cool then. zac says he's got somethin' planned for saturday, which will be cool, but it won't even be my birthday anymore... and i kinda wanted to have a party or go out to a club or something but heaven forbid i try to plan something with people. that's just asking for disappointment. everyone always backs out anyway... i guess i'll just have to pick a night and get shitty, drown my sorrows in something fruity with an umbrella. then i'll be well on my way to becoming the loud drunken loser i always knew i could be :-) anyways i guess that's it...

fuck people

2004-08-11T02:45:00.000-04:00

yeah, that's it... just fuck people. when i get my money, i'm gonna be outta here so fast. and the saddest part is i could leave no number, no address, no nothing, and about 95% of the people who i once called "friends" wouldn't give two shits about it. and they can kiss my ass. but i had an awesome day at work :-) in fact it was one of the best days i've had in months, only to be (partially) ruined by people who would rather dick me around than tell me the truth. ah fuck them... oh but i have to give a shout out to my chris's... thanx for lettin me and zac hang at your "pimp pad"... we had a ridiculously fun time, and don't worry - we'll be back ;-) and to "all you mutha fuckers who wanna step up... i hope you know i pack a chainsaw i'll skin your ass raw and if my day keeps goin' this way i just might break your fuckin' face tonight! give me sumthin' to break! how 'bout your fuckin' face!"

i should be free from such things!

2004-08-09T02:45:00.000-04:00

so it's been a little while, but i don't think anyone reads this so it's whatever... ok. so wednesday night i didn't go to sleep. thurday night i slept about 7 hours. friday night i almost slept but didn't. i took a nap for a couple hours saturday afternoon. after closing i went to nation with chris (which rocked!) but i didn't get home until 4:30am, and then spent the next 2 hours looking for my bankcard (which i never found, so i cancelled it). so basically today i was comatose, and really, it felt good :-) nation was really cool though... and i only got molested once! which was weird, cuz um, well, i'm a girl who likes boys and he should've been a boy who likes boys but apparently not lol but anyways, i can't wait to go back! thanx chris! i had a really great time and red bull is good stuff ;-) anyways, i was so close to having some money but of course, there's always something... basically my check is gone and i've got aout $20 til the 21st... send birthday money please! and of course i now have to pay for a new bank card... and i'm s'posed to go to the american idol auditions and it's still a little iffy but they're only a week away and i'm freakin out... maybe i should pick a song lol and i have no idea what to wear and i certainly can't afford to buy anything... argh argh i say! i'm just hoping i catch a break sometime soon with something because i don't know how all this is gonna work... so everybody send some positive energy this way ok? good thanx! :-) i guess i should try and get some sleep... i MIGHT have to work tomorrow (damn on-calls)... lata

just call me tootsie...

2004-07-29T18:57:00.000-04:00

how come i can't stay mad? i reeeeally wanna be mad right now... i have every right to be mad right now... but i'm not. why?? any other self-respecting black woman would've busted a cap in somebody's a$$, but no, not me. i'm apologizing for being upset about something even they said i should be upset about! i'm just dented and demented. if i were fred durst i'd write some stupid song about it and then call a tabloid and tell them i had sex with britney spears... anyways, so yeah i think i'm allergic to air, because i've beeen super duper itchy for like, weeks now. who knows? oh! and the countdown begins: 19 days til im 21!!!

i love ikea! f*ck ikea!

2004-07-26T03:23:00.000-04:00

so this weekend chris and i moved his stuff to his new apartment, and it was straight out of a sitcom. you got all 5 ft of me and all 115 lbs. of him moving an entertainment center all over creation. and getting it there was fun, too... we got 95% of his stuff to his new place in 2 trips in the two smallest cars ever made! and after a day of hauling stuff i had to haul ass back home to change and go to work (stinky of course; no time for a shower). i really could've just not gone in though, because really i wasn't any good. i was tired and hungry and cranky so they let me go an hour early. went back to chris's to put together a little nightstand and his bed. got up today and went to ikea to get another nightstand and dresser (which we couldn't get) and some other stuff...THEN i went from chris's to zac's house to help him do some math stuff for his class... so i spent about 3 hours doing these quiz things on stuff i haven't done since high school lol but i have to say it came back pretty quickly... cuz i'm good like that ;-) left around 1am with some "homework" to do for him. *sigh* no rest for the weary... oh well i was just cleaning my room and saw a spider so im done in there for the night *shivers* hate those damn things... i guess i should get some sleep cuz i might have to work today (damn on-calls) but i really hope they don't use me because i have so much i want to get done today :-\ cleaning, zac's stuff, more cleaning, go to the bank, etc. anyways guess that's about it. funny thing, none of that stuff sounds fun but i like being busy much better than being bored *shrugs* go figure...

On Love, In Sadness...

2004-07-24T03:06:00.000-04:00

went to see "the bourne supremacy" tonight... it was really cool. visually entertaining and it had a plot. don't get too much of that these days... and i should know since all i do is see movies. not much else to do around here. or, i should say, not much else anyone wants to do. sometimes i feel like my life is on a loop. work, movie, sleep, clean. day in, day out. gets a little weird sometimes. i can't tell if i'm having de ja vous or if i really am doing the exact same thing over and over again. same people, same places, same cars, same song on the radio... gets a little disorienting; and when i try to do something different, it's like it breaks some spoke in the wheel and it all comes crashing down; to build itself up again, of course. who knows. sometimes i wonder if this life is really the dream. maybe in reality i am a singer in a rock band, or traveling the world speaking so many languages i can't keep up; and this loop i'm on is the longing of an overworked exhausted mind searching for the routine and uncomplicated. *shrugs* who's to say... if i am really living my dream and dreaming this life, i hope i wake up soon. maybe with enough of that life i'll long for this one.

ever wonder what it would be like if you could tear yourself into little pieces and shuffle them around? yeah my mind is gone tonight... i just feel like i have one half of me tied to one train and the other half tied to another trian and they're moving in opposite directions. i so desperately want to be alone but i so desperately want to be emersed in life. surrounded by love, suffocated by love. seems like the same thing sometimes. if my mind were a seperate physical being i think it would be some weird two-headed monster and the heads are trying to eat each other. it seems to me, at least my logical self, that all this is the meanderings of a sheltered, overprotected, underchallenged underachiever and i should just shut up because i have everything i need to survive. there are worse places i could be and worse things i could be doing, and it's petty to complain. but still, here i am, 4:13am, still writing... maybe i'm not supposed to have what i want, only what i need. maybe i'm here not to further myself but to be a catalyst for others (seems to be all im good for these days). and if that's true then it is what it is, but i can't help but wonder what i could be if i had my own catalyst... ok i think i'm done for the night... i think...

arghhhhhh...

2004-07-20T08:12:00.000-04:00

my question is this: how is it possible that every stupid person in america shops at the same rinky dink "mall in columbia"? i mean statistically this shouldn't be possible right? but somehow, there they are... let's discuss this. if you don't have enough money to pay for the things you want to buy, what makes you think opening another credit card and maxing it out is going to benefit you financially? why does everyone believe that cashiers and sales associates, the lowest paid members of the retail pyramid, have any control over store policy? does my $7.25 an hour salary make me qualified to change a national chain's return policy? or in any way disregard it? am i that special? or better yet, are you?? just some things to ponder... now, the next time you feel the need to say, go buy a shirt, please keep these things in mind. we in the retail world would greatly appreciate it :-) for starters, a shirt that smells like cigarettes and has pit stains has been worn. period. there is no alternate explanation for this. also, pants that smell like, well i won't go into to details, but let's just say the odor implies a lack of bathing, they too have been worn. if you don't have a reciept, you will get a merchandise credit. this is pretty much universal, assuming the store even allows returns without a reciept. we're being generous with that one so don't be an ass. if you aren't going to put the clothes back where and the way you found them, just leave them in the fitting room. throwing them under a table or hanging them backwards and inside out and unbuttoned on some random rack helps no one. i could go on but i'll leave you with this: i understand that everyone has bad days, and every now and again you may be snippy. however, please keep in mind that we have bad days, too, and unlike waitresses who can spit in your food, we have no outlet for our frustrations. so please, in an effort to prevent tragedies and senseless acts of violence again consumers, please be kind to sales associates. you never know, that top that's full price today might be 50% tomorrow, and wouldn't that be nice to know?

im so poor

2004-07-18T21:14:00.000-04:00

i got $35 til friday... and then payday! oh - wait - yeah my check will be about $120... and another 2 weeks of poorness begins...and nobody loves me enough to comment and my jaw hurts cuz my wisdom teeth are staging a coup :-( and i have this funky haircut that would be cute if i had a jawline but i eat like a linebacker, so yeah it just looks weird. anyways that's all. i'm sure one day i'll have something interesting to say.

still can't sleep...

2004-07-17T09:08:00.000-04:00

it's saturday morning, 6am, and i can't sleep. again. i'm starting to think maybe i should get therapy or something because it can't be healthy to stay up until 6 or 7am everyday. anyways, i saw dodgeball tonight. very funny! most random cameos of all time... i still haven't seen fahrenheit 9/11 but hopefully soon (before it's out of theaters). i was told i "wasn't needed" at work yesterday so that means i have a whopping 9 hours this week. cuz really, i don't need money... bastards. oh well. it is what it is... hope everyone's having a good day. i'm sure you are since you're probably asleep :-P night... er morning...

my first blog!

2004-07-11T22:38:00.000-04:00

ok everyone... this is my first blog and i know nothing about this computer shiznit so gimme a break ok? ok :-) its a sunday and im cleaning my room and doing this thingie. am i supposed to use grammar and mechanics on this thing? who knows... so i have a boyfriend, and his name is zac. he's got "issues" but i love him :-) i got some friends, too... chelsea is my girl; all we do is crack on the dumb and skinny... jamie - well he's just jamie lol and chris, the poor soul responsible for me and all things technological, is the by far the skinniest pimp ever... i forgot some ppl there's jen (aka beanstalk) who's like reeeeally tall but still cute ;-) annnnnd if you're reading this and you're not listed tell me and ill put you on here cuz ummm im a lil sleepy and i forget stuff so i think thats it yep :-)